Well, I'm not dead.

I'm hanging out with the dead, but I'm not dead myself.

I'm in some sort of morgue -- only, now that I look at it all more carefully, I'm not sure how dead any of these bodies are.

farmermaggot is here, both in spirit and body. Only it looks like he's got a few parts missing... a few parts added... and some parts, well, changed. Very weird. Not sure if I should bury the body or sell it to Mordor's Believe It or Not.

There are other bodies down here as well. Looks like I found those guests that are missing.

Plus a whole lot of tubes and stuff, strangely labeled jars...

Very creepy. And this from a guy who used to play tag with Shelob, the creepiest of the creepy.

You know, I think I know this place. It's the large, remote resort room that we rented to that blonde wizard.

Altall? Altear? alatar. That's it. Alatar. Should have known she'd be trouble.

Stupid wizards.

I am: creeped out
Background Noise: Farmer Maggot nagging, nagging, nagging

Hello?

Anyone around?

It seems very dark here. Very very dark. Dark as a grave.

And cold. Very very cold. Cold as a tomb.

And cramped. Very very cramped. Cramped as a coffin...

Ok, I don't like how this is going at all.

I want answers and I want them now.

I am: awake
Background Noise: Silent. Very very silent. Silent as... oh, damn.

I should post what I've been up to these past many monthes. The only problem is, I ain't got the foggiest idea.

I mean, I remember being beat on the head.

Now I'm here.

Not sure where here is, mind you. But here I am.

*Gets up and takes a look around*

I am: exanimate
Background Noise: SelfHelp Tape #1201: "Get on with your life, damnit"

My Monster Name is Warg Wargs are big and nasty wolf things that goblins have fun charging around on. Wargs have terrorised Middle Earth since the first age, they’ve been around for so long that might actually have been the Dark Lord’s Dark Lord that initially created them. The Levenshtein distance between shaggy and Warg is 3.
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*snort*

I am: confused
Background Noise: SelfHelp Tape #1200: "When you are beyond the help of tapes"

I realize it's spam, still, this is an email I just got:

Hey,

I saw your journal on livejournal, you are hot! I thought I say hi. do you have any more pictures!

These are my pics:



Do you think I should send him some orc pin-ups to amuse him?

I'm truly flattered. Maybe he could turn into a full-fledged orc fancier. Could there be wedding bells in the future?

I am: amused
Background Noise: Howard Shore - Foundations of Stone

OK... perhaps I did get a little too accepting of my current situation. I mean, I know that I'm in a cage and the eagles all think I've killed and/or did horrible things to Gwai and his kids. And I know that they are just feeding me and treating me nicely in an effort to fatten me up because they are planning on eating me.

But the food is good. And it is so nice to just sit back and have others wait on me. And after so long, I just assumed that, well, they had come to their senses and decided that eating me wasn't a good idea.

Until this morning when a stray sheet of paper blew into my cage announcing the "First Annual New Year's Orc Feast". After a momentary thrill at participating at such a wonderful party, it dawned on me that they weren't going to be feating with orcs, but rather on them.

And since I happen to be the only Orc around, I decided that I had maybe put some effort into escaping.

Only... It seems that the eagles have done a very good job in feeding me. The spaces between the bars seem much smaller than they did a while back and trying to pull them apart seems to be more tiring than I anticipated...

Wait. What's that noise?

I am: aggravated
Background Noise: Feast Preparations

The Warg escaped sometime last night.

Probably best. I overheard that they reason they were feeding her so well was because they were planning on having "Warg Stew" this weekend. I thought something was up when they fed her a seven course steak dinner last night.

But really, only Eagles would be dumb enough to think Wargs were good eating. And these aren't the brightest of eagles to begin with. I'm sure the Warg will have no problem laying low for a while and everything will settle down.

With that thought in mind, I've decided to view my incarceration as a mini-vacation. I mean, this cage isn't nearly as nice as my room here at the resort, but it is way better than the room I had at Cirith Ungol. I have no work to do. I get to snarl and make violent gestures at the guests. Or I can just lay in the sun and get a tan.

*Sniffs air*

Something smells good. Maybe I'll get lunch early today. Ah, here they come now.

Wow. It looks good. About time they stated feeding me better.

This wonderful. Look at all the food. There must be seven courses here...

...

Seven courses...

...

Steak...

...

shai</>

I am: worried
Background Noise: Silence

An old orc war chant:

My enemies lie around me
Their blood staining my skin
Their bodies are broken
And the wargs are coming in

I stand rejoicing
At the death I brought
I revel in the pain
And destruct I wrought

None can stand against me
For I'm death and I'm pain
I live to pillage
Plunder and to maim

There is no one better
At killing or at death
For I will fight you
Until my last breath.

My momma used to sing that to me every night as I went to sleep. Such sweet and peaceful dreams it would bring me.

But right now doesn't make me feel any better. Everyone here just assumes that I killed whoever it was they found. Stupid turkey still isn't anywhere to be found.

Earlier today I could hear the little eagle kids off somewhere in the background, their little voices raised in some cheery orc-ish song. But now I just here an annoying, brain-rotting chorus of "I love you, you love me, we are one big family".

*Shudder*

What are they doing to the poor things?

To make matter worse, no one even seems to know what is going on here. Or if they do, they haven't cared enough to comment. Even these gossip mongers don't seem to care about this injustice.

You are all a bunch of bigots. You all think orcs are just mindless butchers and death mongers. It is not true. We are a highly cultured and civilized race.

And I will kill anyone who says otherwise.

I'm still locked in a cage next to the Warg.

And they are feeding her better food.

shai

I am: infuriated
Background Noise: "I love you, you love..."

Just what kind of bagronk is this? I walk out of my office after working all night and am immediately set upon by Landroval and several of his buub lieutenants who truss me up like some miserable snaga ready for a date with Shelob.

They are going on and on about the Warg eating a guest and how I was responsible. Then someone comes in saying that the Warg didn't kill the guests. Finally, I think, someone is talking sense. I knew that the Warg won't eat a guest. Not unless they deserved it, at least.

But then they start saying I had to have killed them. Skai! What kind of dug is that? I haven't killed anyone since I rid the world of Gorbag and that was a public service when you think about it.

So, there they are dragging me off to the unused storage areas. I point out that as the second-in-command here, I don't deserve to be locked up like some common tark I was the Captain of Cirith Ungol. Sha!

That's when they decided to lock me in a cage next to the Warg.

Where is that glob of an eagle when I really need him?

And I think they are feeding the Warg better food.

Like I said: Mirdautas vras.

I am: angry
Background Noise: Whining of the Warg

Well, it took all night but I finished it all. Now that big over grown featherduster shouldn't have anything to complain about.

And I didn't get a call from the hospital, so the Warg must be behaving herself, too.

All in all, a great night. Don't you just love it when everything is going your way?

I am: accomplished

The Head Honcho thinks that this is a better babysitter than I am.

FINE. I will just let all the little rugrats in her care and will go off and take care of all the other resort details that I had to ignore while playing mommy.

I still haven't found a new MEWT. Or the old one for that matter.

However, as I was looking through the camp I ran into the resident of DA-45. I vaguely remember her checking in some time in late spring but I thought she'd been eaten by the Warg skipped out in the middle of the night.

She was very strange and kept asking me what day it was. She seemed impressed by the Warg, however. It's rare that a guest appreciates the finer points of a giant killing machine puppy dog like the Warg.

I also helped settle in new guest. He seemed a little strange, but he paid with a large bottle of cough syrup, so he must be familiar with us after all.

Ok. The boss was making noises about inventory and the like, so I will just lock myself in the office and see if I can get some work done.

But does anyone know what happened to the Warg? I better feed him before he decides to snack on a guest...

I am: rushed
Background Noise: Listening carefully for the sound of a Warg...

My boss (you know, the King of Eagles) thinks I'm insane. I really don't understand that. I just taught his children a harmless little song:

"Eating bugs and killing things can make you grow so strong
throwing rocks and bashing people we do that all day long
A poke in the eye a slash to the throat
get lots of feathers for a new feather coat
hmmm hmmm hmmm
It's a sing-a -long
Stoke the fire, heat the pot
we'll eat eagle, that's all we got."

They liked that one so much, I looked at was happening around us and taught them one or two more.

Is that any reason for him to call me insane and to push psychiatric intervention?

I have been doing just fine since MEWT (My Ever-so Wonderful Therapist) disappeared.

I've been listening to my self help tapes. Well, not really listening to them, but I still have them. Ok, I have, you know, two of them. Somewhere. But I would listen to them if I could find them. And I certainly don't remember what they were about.

I'm still a vegan. Well, not really a vegan anymore. I kinda went to the less restrictive vegetarian life. Ok, I have eaten meat often on occasion. Lately. But I still eat my veggies. And I certainly would encourage others to do the same. Elves are classified as vegetable, aren’t they? Or are they all just a bunch of fruits?

I'm only singing about, ah, harming my boss, it's not like I've actually planned out anything diabolical. Well, not to any great detail, anyway. Ok, I may have sketched up a diagram or two. But its not like I actually went out and bought all the materials needed. And I didn't charge the expenses to the resort.

I'm just teaching the kids harmless Orc songs, anyhow, I'm not teaching them to be cannibals. Well, cannibalism may be implied in those songs, but not encouraged. Ok, maybe encouraged to some extent. But only in the "eat your victims enemies in order to enjoy a good meal gain their strength" sort of way. And I certainly would always never encourage such young, easily influenced innocent minds to think such things.

As for the Warg -- she is a completely awesome destructive force. To see her totally decimate her prey is a wondrous thing. The fear she elicits when she stalks through the resort reminds me of the power I used the have back when I was Captain of Cirith Ungol. The power to kill and maim at will. The power to reduce lesser beings to sniveling, whimpering piles of cowerdice with one look. The power to grind their bones into dust and to eat...

Ah... Sorry

Maybe I should go see if they ever did find MEWT (My Ever-so Wonderful Therapist) after he disappeared last year. Even if they only found his body the Warg could use a new chew toy I could pay my proper respects.

If not, I suppose I'll need a new MEWT.

I am: irritated
Background Noise: A cute little ditty that I just taught to the Kids...

especially when I have the whip.

(((OOC: I'm not dead, but RL is being tenacious and won't let me play. However, in two weeks I will be better)))

Until then---

Nar Mat Kordh-Ishi

I am,

Shagrat, the reformed

All right! I have my web shooters made. I haven't quite managed to get the formula down right, yet. I can't always let go of it when I want to and doesn't seem to degrade as quickly as I would like. The maid refuses to clean my room, muttering something about "illicit affairs with Shelob" that I chose to ignore.

Still, it's strong and works the way I planned.

Not to mention, it looks cool.

I went out to try some swinging and found out that it has a steep learning curve. And trees are hard when hit them.

Maybe I should petition some all-powerful types after all to boost my reflexes and give me some of that Spidey-Sense.

Or I could just change my name to George of the Jungle...

I am: sore
Background Noise: SelfHelp Tape 87: The Virtue of Persistence

Being an Orc has its drawbacks. I've known this all my life. Employment opportunities were limited to "advanced ground troops" or "cannon fodder". Job contracts usually included the words "valid until death". Zip codes usually ended up being somewhere in Mirkwood, Mordor or the bowls of a mountain. All non-orcs (and more than half of the orcs) would sooner kill me then look at me. But at least when I hung out in Mordor I could walk the dreary halls of Cirith Ungol I knew that the terror I inspired was due to my fearsome reputation rather than the simple fact that I'm an orc. PLUS most creatures knew that I would grind their miserable bones into mush if they tried anything; and I would probably be rewarded for good work when I was finished.

Things are much more... complicated now. I can't just kill people when they bother me. For that matter I can't kill them even if they deserve it. And when it comes right down to it, death seems to be less of a "dead"-type thing and more of a "state room on the lower deck of a cruise"-type thing. Bah. What's an orc supposed to do?

After much thought, I've come upon a solution: I'll be a masked super hero. Specifically I will be this masked super hero:



I mean he's got a cool costume and mask. I'm stronger than most humans so I already have the super-strength. As an orc I can climb walls and hang off the ceiling. And I've always been good at leaping from place to place. It's perfect.

I've been toying around with ways to create the webs that he had... It's not perfect and I suppose it would be better if it was part of me. Still, all I'm really missing is that nifty Spidey-Sense that he has. I wonder if I can track down some of those all powerful-types to help me with that? Maybe not, I'm not sure I trust them.

I will just have to remember: With great power comes great responsibility. I wonder what good I can do first.

I am: accomplished
Background Noise: SelfHelp Tape 209: Doing Good and Feeling Good

Things to remember:

1. Never laugh hysterically at Theoden when you find out that he now has *TWO* Timulties one of which is now male. He doesn't seem to see humor of the situation.

2. Always check to make sure that the Physician you are seeing to help heal you after doing number 1 will not try to kill an orc on sight.

3. Never try to stop a hungry male Warg from eating a herd of horses with a laptop. Wargs seem to think that laptops are appetizers.

4. Always carry a spare laptop top so you can continue to up date LJ after doing number 3.

5. Never enter the Shire late at night riding a Warg. This is especially true if you are an orc.

6. Always make sure that the physician you choose to help heal you from doing number 5 knows something about the anatomy of an orc.


I'm going home.

I am: distressed
Background Noise: SelfHelp Tape 011: When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Well, it's Smurf (it's going to be a while for me to get used to calling Timulty that), me and the Warg going on a walkabout.

A passing eagle dropped me a note telling me that Bilbo and Merry showed up at Gamgee Hall, so I guess there is no reason to be on a search anymore. Still, I haven't been out roaming in ages and Smurf seems happy to be doing something.

Perhaps I drop by Gamgee Hall before heading to less inhabited places. I've never been to the Shire and Hobbiton sounds like a nice place. Besides maybe Smurf would like to see where he's from.

I am: satisfied
Background Noise: SelfHelp Tape 007: Bonding Experiences for a Family

Ok, Timulty is a boy. That I can maybe handle. I decided that I couldn't keep calling herhim Timulty, so I've been calling him Smurf. I think that's what Theo called herhim back at the beginning. Once shehe changes back, I'll go back to calling her Timulty.

So, no problem there. No, my problem is The Warg. She is suddenly a he. You know, I chose a female Warg for a reason. They are, on average, smaller, less aggressive and more intelligent than their male counterparts. All traits that I was looking for in a pet. So, I figure, maybe I’ll have to be more careful with The Warg.

Anyhow, I was heading out to find The Warg and TimultySmurf, and I was planning on tracking down Bilbo to find out what was bothering him, when the groundskeeper came in screaming that my Warg had eaten the cattle herd. I tried to point out that The Warg couldn’t have eaten the whole herd, but I went down to see what the fuss was all about. I strap on my sword and grab my pack and follow the ranting man out the door.

I round the corner and see the largest damn Warg I’ve ever seen. It takes me a moment to realize that it is my damn Warg. Only three times the size he was when he was a she. And he had eaten the whole herd. Hell of a growth spurt. TimultySmurf is clinging to his leg, laughing like mad.

The Warg lopes over to me, looks down at me, and -- I swear -- grins at me.

Gads. He’s larger than a horse. How am I ever going to keep him under control? I’m surrounded by a crowd of irate guests and workers and overhead are eagles that I’m sure are planning on taking out The Warg before he gets any larger.

I think I need to leave.

I grab Smurf toss him up on top of The Warg and climb up after him. Goblins can ride the Wargs around Mirkwood, but I’ve never seen one large enough to carry an Orc until now.

*Come on, Warg* I shout. *Let’s find Bilbo*

The Warg turns and looks at me for a second, then lopes off down the mountain. We’re going on a search.

Either that or The Warg is heading out to the woods where he can eat us in private.

I am: excited

It seems that there is a great deal of gender swapping going on here in Middle Earth. It doesn't seem to have traveled up here to The Resort, yet. Well, except for Timulty. Theo left her here when he turned into a ferret... or died... or turned into a woman... well, something happened to him.

Yesterday, I was shocked to wake up and discover that Timulty was boy. Not that gender in a hobbit toddler is all that obvious to begin with, but such a change is difficult to miss. At first I had been sure that The Warg had simply traded Timulty for some other hobbit she'd happened across, but once Timulty began singing "Down, Down to Goblin Town" I know it was herhim. Besides shehe didn't scream in fear when shehe saw me and shehe was hugging The Warg, so I knew that it had to be herhim.

*Sheesh*

I'm glad this switching-thing hasn't affect The Warg.

or me....

I am: amused
Background Noise: Self-Help Tape 115: Gender Issues and Menal Health

The hardest part of training a Warg is knowing that she could eat you if she really wanted to...

But when I came back from the search for Timulty, she actually seemed sorry for her actions. She sat in the corner and didn't even try to eat the maid when she came in to clean up.

Of course, maybe she ate someone else while I was gone.

I should check the guests...

I am: worried